I wish I could tell you my name but I don’t remember it. The first “flash” I had was when I woke up feeling really drunk holding a pair of car keys. I put them down on a dirty bar and walked out. As I was stumbling down the street a bright light flashed before my eyes and I felt something wound tight around my neck. I stripped off the noose and sat down on a wobbly chair. *FLASH* The bridge was high and I felt dizzy but euphoric, the fall would be the easy part. “Wait, don’t jump” a voice boomed inside my head. I backed off the ledge and flashed. It’s gone on like this for what seemed like years.
It was an ordinary day when I first got the headache. It felt like an ordinary pain at first. I popped a few Tylenol and went about my business. I was quite looking forward to that feeling when you absentmindedly realize that your particularly bad headache is gone. Usually this happens right after you stop thinking about it. It’s like that old saying, “You’ll find it when you least expect it”. Well I kept expecting the headache to go away but the more I wished it away the more persistent and painful it seemed.
Well, this is exciting! Here is the E-book version of the 4th Edition. The formatting is probably going to look terrible. Editing is not my strong suit, I hope to get better with time. (Update: I worked hard on it and it’s much better) Here are some quick answers to questions you may have.
Nearly everyone assumes it was a benevolent God that begat the world, few would hazard a guess that it was an ambivalent one. It is said that there was a bang and then there was light. In fact there was a scream and then the dark came into being. Before the dark there was Nothing and from that great ocean of nothingness sprang forth The Creator. It existed in that void until the birth of the universe from its will.
Kids today have a baffling level of detachment from creativity. Instead of grasping action figures and creating their own scenarios they are digitally manipulating video game characters though some programmer’s story. They don’t have the same experience I had as a child in the 1980’s, having to make up my own stories.
What follows is a story I originally wrote for a Creative Writing course my Freshman year in college. I had to retool the ending several times because I could not decide what should happen with the main character. This paper recieved an “A” and really was my impetus to becoming a writer. I hope you enjoy..
Craig sat on the edge of the motel room bed, contemplating life, with a beer bottle in one hand and a joint in the other. After all this very motel room is where his troubles began. Staring at the yellowish walls he thought that maybe he should burn it all down, as sort of an absolution, a purification of sorts. No, that wouldn’t work, it couldn’t work, after all his problems weren’t symbolic, they were very real and very devastating.
What makes a word bad? I have always wondered that. Well not always, when I was a toddler I was more concerned what those stubs on the end of my hands than why “fuck” was naughty. Now that I have been told they are called “fingers” I can try to figure out why there are 7 Dirty Words.
“Masters of Comedy” is what I hope will be an ongoing series where I will present some of my favorite comics and provide you a highlight of their material. For my first attempt at this I figure I’ll break out the biggest gun possible.
“Hello employee. Welcome to the workplace. We are all happy to meet you and want you to know you are a valued member of our bi-gender, multi-cultural, pan-racial team. You are one of us, ONE OF US. We want to afford you every opportunity to buy into the illusion that you are important. If there is every an issue please feel free to fill out a million forms, try to make an appointment with our ineffective Human Resources department and of course consult your supervisor if you can find him/her. Remember you are a very important part of our team. What is your name again?”.